The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
by Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen
Summary: This is a challenge from Loony Lovegood...it's really odd and hopefully funny. HHr and RWDM RR!


A/N This is a challenge issued by xxLoony-Lovegoodxx so I'd like to dedicate this story to her! If it's bad I'm sorry but I thought on it for awhile and I do hope people like it especially you Loony! Also I have no idea where this story is going to go so I hope it doesn't offend anyone! Although I can tell you HBP isn't relevant to my story…and will more than likely be anti-cannon also Sirius is not dead!

Warning I don't own Harry Potter or the characters…although sometimes I wish I were Jo Rowling.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Hermione sat crying her eyes out in her room at Grimmauld Place. Hermione had just been brought to Grimmauld Place from the place that had been the home she shared with her parents. Now her parents were dead and their house burned to the ground. Hermione vowed revenge against the deatheaters that ruined her life like this. Then all of a sudden the painting in the room started talking to her.

"Hello dear, why are you so upset? Don't tell me you saw that naked statue on the 3rd floor." The lady in the painting inquired.

"Oh, no I haven't seen the statue. Thank you for the warning though. I'm upset because deatheaters killed my parents. And don't be offended, but why are you being nice to a muggle born like me?" Hermione asked curiously.

"Well I'm Andromeda Black Tonks, I'm Tonks' mother. I'm sure you've heard all about me." Andromeda the painting informed Hermione.

"Wow, it's a pleasure to meet you Andromeda. Thanks for trying to help." Hermione stated.

"It's no problem dear. Maybe you should go to one of those friends of yours?" Andromeda suggested.

"That's a lovely idea, thank you. Good bye for now!" Hermione said feeling better about having talked to someone.

Hermione began walking down the hall making her way towards Harry's room. But before she could make it to his room she was intrigued by loud sounds coming from Fred and George's room. Hermione grabbed her wand out of her pocket and slowly made her way to the door. She put her ear against the door and heard what sounded like ferocious meows. Hermione was seriously perplexed by the sounds. She wondered if maybe Crookshanks was terrorizing them. She decided to just go in and see what the fuss was. Hermione burst into the room to see Fred and George backed into a wall with an adorable kitten standing in front of them. The kitten did not look pleased at all.

"Don't come in Hermione! It's a man-eating kitten!" Fred shouted loudly.

"You don't mean this cute kitten?" Hermione asked giggling and pointing at the adorable kitten.

"That cute kitten is evil and is about to eat us!" George shouted, sounding a bit girly.

"Why would this cute kitten eat you two?" Hermione asked giggling some more.

"Well George took away it's favorite chew toy, a dragon named Henry." Fred said loudly.

"No it wasn't me you dolt! You took the dragon away from it!" George countered.

"No it wasn't it was you!" Fred yelled.

"Ok, both of you be quiet. Didn't you ever think of simply giving Henry back to the kitten?" Hermione asked the fighting brothers.

"Um, that's a really good idea Hermione thanks!" Fred and George exclaimed simultaneously.

"Right I'll leave you two to it then." Hermione said while shaking her head and leaving.

So once again Hermione began her trek down to Harry's room. Of course she was detained once again by a worried looking Sirius.

"Hermione! Have you seen my bag of dog biscuits? I've been looking everywhere for them." Sirius asked looking like a lost puppy.

"Um, I can't say I have Sirius. Have you asked Remus?" Hermione asked.

"You know I haven't. Maybe he misplaced them." Sirius replied and then was off to find Remus.

Hermione simply shrugged and went back on her own quest. Then Hermione heard some rather odd music coming from Ron's room. She knew she should not investigate, but her curiosity got the better of her. She opened the door the find Ron dressed in some rather tacky feminine lingerie. She also noticed that Ron was wearing a gel bra to make him seem like he had boobs and wore harsh make-up, but what stood out was the electric blue mascara and cherry red lipstick. She was in shock.

Then she looked some more to find Draco Malfoy dancing in what he thought was a sexy way to a song called "Milkshake" by a muggle artist named Kelis. Draco seemed to be dressed rather normal except for the green tweed leopard print coat and the fact he was holding a bottle of leg wax in one hand and a diary in the other hand. Then Draco stopped and lit a candle that smelled like sex and candy. Neither of the two fairies noticed Hermione.

"Draco give me back my secret diary right now! Or I'll never shag you again!" Ron whined.

"I told you I'd give it back if you let me wax your legs." Draco answered pulling on some rubber gloves and looking rather maniacal.

"But it'll hurt bad! Stop being such a bitch!" Ron squealed.

"I'm not the bitch you are!" Draco squealed in a fashion similar to Ron before he pounced on Ron and started to bitch slap him.

Hermione decided that she was indeed scarred for life. She knew that it wasn't as disturbing as that time she saw Voldemort in a floral bikini but this was definitely up there on her list of disturbing. So it seemed like a good idea, for her, to run far away from the bitch fight currently taking place in Ron's room. She didn't even know her best friend was gay. I guess you learn new things everyday.

Hermione ran all the way to the living room. She stopped when she saw Bill and his Fleur. She also noticed their daughter Sarai was there. Hermione was too in shock to properly greet the family so instead she stood there looking like a frightened statue.

"Auntie Hermione! Why don't we have a tea party! Mummy even made us each a crumpet. I also have the new toy I got with my happy meal! Isn't the Barbie pretty!" Sarai chattered.

"Um, today isn't a good day sweetie. I'm sure if you ask Professor Snape he'd gladly have a tea party with you. Besides isn't he your usual guest?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, he is but last time he hexed my teddy bear for looking at him funny. But I guess I'll ask him. Maybe next time you'll come?" Sarai questioned, though it sounded more like a plead especially since she used the puppy dog eyes she obviously inherited from her father.

"Yes of course Sarai." Hermione consented.

Then Hermione set off to the kitchen in an attempt to find a glass of water to distract her defiled mind. Though once Hermione got into the kitchen there were many people. Remus, Tonks, Dumbledore, Harry, Luna Lovegood, Mr. Weasley, and Mrs. Weasley were all congregated in the kitchen. Hermione was terribly confused. So she asked Harry what was going on.

"Harry what in Merlin's name is going on in here?" Hermione asked in a somewhat shaky sounding voice.

"Remus and Tonks just announced their elopement. Dumbledore just gave them this really rare china set for the new house they are going to get with the estate agent that Luna brought along. Also Tonks got her teaching certificate she is going to start teaching at Hogwarts as the additional defense teacher." Harry said looking rather happy for his friends.

"Thanks for the information Harry." Hermione stated.

"Maybe I should go get Ron and tell him to come down here." Harry thought out loud.

"Um, I don't think that is a very good idea Harry." Hermione said through a heavy grimace.

"Ok…I'll take your word for it." Harry mumbled.

Just then Gilderoy Lockhart marched through the kitchen door wearing a dress made of bin bags and holding a ludicrously long wand. It had to have been at least 18 inches long. Everyone in the room was staring at the enormous wand.

"What? Has no one ever seen a wand as big as mine?" Lockhart asked waggling his perfectly manicured eyebrows and smiling that dazzling smile of his.

Everyone just kept staring until healers from St. Mungo's arrived to cart Lockhart back to his ward. No one could get a wand like that out of their heads. And when Hermione thought things couldn't get anymore weird the muggle actor Alan Rickman entered the room looking like Professor Snape. Hermione was in between laughing and asking for the brilliant actor's autograph.

"You aren't Professor Snape!" Luna accused.

"I am too you insolent blonde! If you don't say I'm Professor Snape I'll carve your heart out with a spoon!" Alan Rickman yelled.

"Mr. Rickman, can I have your autograph?" Hermione asked him timidly.

"Sure you can!" Alan Rickman replied.

Alan of course signed a piece of parchment for Hermione then went on his way. It was odd and it seemed everyone silently agreed not to talk about it. Then there was a doorbell sound coming from the entrance hall. Dumbledore went to answer the door. Everyone followed him simply because they wanted to. Dumbledore answered the door to find the mailman carrying a package with a card attached.

"I'm looking for Albus Dumbledore." The mailman announced.

"I'm Albus Dumbledore is this package for me?" Dumbledore questioned.

"Why of course it is. Now sign here and take your package." The mailman ordered while taking out his clipboard.

Dumbledore signed the designated spot then took the package. Dumbledore shut the door and opened his package. The package was naught but a plank of wood that had the words 'I love potatoes' written blue paint on the front and back of the plank. Dumbledore rolled his eyes.

"My goodness when will he give up!" Dumbledore yelled.

"Who?" Harry inquired.

"I have a man who happens to be a potato obsessed florist that keeps sending me odd gifts and asking for potatoes. It's maddening I tell you!" Dumbledore jabbered out.

"Right sir. Maybe you should go take a nap or something." Harry said slowly as if Dumbledore were insane, which of course he was.

"Maybe your right Harry. I'll just be getting back to Hogwarts." Dumbledore agreed.

"Do you mind taking this sock to Dobby?" Harry asked handing this horribly smelly sock to Dumbledore.

"Not a problem Harry, I just know Dobby will love it!" Dumbledore exclaimed. And with that Dumbledore was gone.

"Wow, that man is quite nutters." Luna announced in her dreamy voice. Everyone turned to look at Luna who wore a necklace made of spoons.

"Well I must be off too. The tree at home must be wondering where I've gone. It gets so upset over the slightest things. It reminds me of Moaning Myrtle. I do hope I'll be able to watch the meteor shower in peace." Luna rambled.

"Um Luna, what meteor shower? There is no meteor shower tonight." Hermione said wearily.

"That's what you think." Luna said mysteriously before taking her leave.

"That girl is rather odd." Hermione observed.

"Hermione, would you like to take a walk with me in the back yard?" Harry asked.

"Does Grimmauld Place have a back yard?" Hermione inquired.

"Of course it does, we've just never gone out there." Harry informed her.

"Then of course I would Harry!" Hermione gushed.

Harry took Hermione by the hand and led her to the back yard. She was happy she finally got to Harry, after all that had been her goal in the first place. Thankfully all the weird things going on kept her mind off of her parents' death. They walked outside and Hermione saw a wobbly looking bridge that went over a small stream and a giant boulder that resembled Crabbed, or was it Goyle? She never could tell one from the other. Harry went and sat on the boulder and helped Hermione sit next to him.

"Hermione I need to tell you something." Harry said nervously.

"What is it Harry?" Hermione asked, hoping he would admit his feelings for her.

"Well the thing is that I like you a lot." Harry said blushing.

"I like you to Harry and I've been waiting a long time to hear you say that." Hermione answered.

"I'm really glad to hear that. I wasn't sure if this was the right time what with your parents and the odd things going on today." Harry rambled.

"It was definitely at the right time." Hermione said before leaning in to kiss Harry.

The couple continued to kiss and talk throughout the evening. Of course they weren't aware of their audience that was comprised of Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Of course they appreciated the romance between the two teens sitting outside. But Mrs. Weasley was more involved in trying to take the muggle calculator away from her overly excited husband. It had definitely been a long and weird day at Grimmauld Place. But alls well that ends well!

END

A/N Wow, this took me a very long time. I know it's kind of rushed and really weird. But I did my best. I'm sure everyone is wondering what the challenge was so here it is:

Challenge List:

Your challenge is to write a one shot that must include EVERYTHING on this list.

It has to be a Hp one (obviously) but you can choose the plot and characters etc

Anyway, the list is as follows (warning it is very random lol)

You must include at least :

2 parents

1 dead person

1 painting

1 naked statue

1 dragon named Henry

1 man-eating kitten

1 bag of dog biscuits

1 emotionally unstable tree

1 calculator

1 kitchen utensil

1 pair of rubber gloves

1 famous person (Harry Potter not included)

1 romantic scene

1 dress made out of bin bags

1 corny movie quote

1 kinky dance

1 wobbly bridge

1 secret diary

1 tub of leg wax

Outrageous mascara

1 ludicrously long wand

1 plank of wood

1 bitch fight

1 copy of Karma Sutra

1 gel bra

1 McDonalds happy meal toy

1 tacky song

1 tea party

1 scented candle

1 smelly sock

1 mailman

1 estate agent

1 potato obsessed florist

2 crumpets

1 meteor shower

1 green, tweed leopard print coat

A collection of rare china plates

1 boulder

And 1 certificate.


End file.
